


There's An Albatross Around My Neck (And Its Name Is Alec)

by GlitteryGreySweater (AnonymousPseud)



Series: Bad Blood Inspired Fics [11]
Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec has his own "only mentioned" tag because he's Alec, Alec is a Shadowhunter after all, Alec is only mentioned, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything Hurts, F/M, Future Fic, Hurt Magnus, Immortality, Jem and Will and Izzy and Jace and Cat are only mentioned, Just Add More Sad Tag For Emphasis, M/M, Mortality, Pictures, Problems Of Being A Warlock, Reminiscing, Sad, Songfic, Tea, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, and I'm only tagging random things, except for Alec being dead, well happy for me, which is sooo not cool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:27:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousPseud/pseuds/GlitteryGreySweater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he waited for his friend to arrive, he chose to flip through his wide collection of photo albums. (Maybe he wanted to torture himself by seeing the loves he had loss) He went through his most recent one actually, an addition he made during the year 2007 and been kept updated until the year 2026 for there won't be anything else to add. A tanned finger ran on top of the leather covering that was marked with a name and dates in golden writing. Alexander Gideon Lightwood (1989-2026) (2007-2026) It was the name he hadn't dared to hear or see or even mention in five years lest breaking his now fragile heart. But that didn't mean that the name didn't stayed in his mind. Quite the contrary actually. That lovely name that owned to an even more lovely person was permanently etched in his mind like the scar in his heart the moment he had died.</p><p>This is now updated and I have added a few. So, I think you should read it again if you have the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's An Albatross Around My Neck (And Its Name Is Alec)

**Author's Note:**

> Another new fic!! Well, this one is inspired by Weight Of Living Part I by Bastille.  
> This one is just sad and stuff and I just wanted to warn you.  
> The ending sucks quite a bit. I just got tired and I might improve it after I have slept.  
> I will be editing this when I get some sleep afterwards, so yeah. I hope you do enjoy this story that made me tear up in the beginning.  
> I will also add later on where I have found the quotes you will see in the story.
> 
> This was updated during Sunday, 18th day of January of the year 2015

 It was an uneventful Saturday morning when Magnus had decided to call one of his oldest friends, Tessa Gray. (Both in relationship-wise and age-wise.) Though he could've called Catarina Loss, another female warlock friend of his, but he knew that she was too busy to even pick up her phone. And it was actually a long time since he had heard from her. _Too long_ for his taste. The female warlock had agreed to the sudden meet-up and decided on staying at Magnus' apartment for some afternoon tea. Magnus was glad that she had accepted the unexpected offer. She is the only person that could understand him. The way he was feeling. He thought back to a day in June in the year 1937, the day one of her lovers had died. He remembers how griefstricken she was, and he knew that was what he was feeling today. Tessa Gray was the only person that could understand his pain.

 As he waited for his friend to arrive, he chose to flip through his wide collection of photo albums. (Maybe he wanted to torture himself by seeing the loves he had loss.) He went through his most recent one actually, an addition he had made during the year 2007 and been kept updated until the year 2026 for there won't be anything else to add. A tanned finger ran on top of the leather covering that was marked with a name and dates in golden writing. _Alexander Gideon Lightwood (1989-2026) (2007-2026)_. It was the name he hadn't dared to hear or see or even mention in five years lest breaking his now fragile heart. But that didn't mean that the name didn't stayed in his mind. Quite the contrary actually. That lovely name that owned to an even more lovely person was permanently etched in his mind like the scar in his heart the moment he had died.

 The first dates, the ones below the name, was the years the young Shadowhunter had lived in this world. The years he lived to protect the mundane world from the demons they have no idea about. The ones below was what Magnus liked. It was the span of their magnificent relationship together. 2007 was when it started and 2026 was when it ended. It was the year their relationship had gone for Alec, the other person in the said relationship, was also gone.

 "Til death do we part." He whispered as his index finger traced the name.

 Magnus flipped the cover open, and the first picture just made him want to bawl out in his room and just stay there for the rest of his eternal life, or until someone like Catarina came barging in and consoling his broken soul together, if that was even possible. It was during one of their many trips out of the country; they were in Paris, France, in front of the Eiffel Tower; Magnus was holding out the camera so he could take the picture of the two of them; He was giving Alec a kiss on one of his reddened cheeks, and the blue eyed Shadowhunter had his face all scrunched up in the most adorable way possible. At the bottom of it was a caption hand-written by Alexander himself. It read: _"And when his lips met mine, I knew that I could live to be a hundred and visit every country in the world, but nothing would ever compare to that single moment when I kissed the boy of my dreams and knew that my love would last forever."*_  He loved this picture and the caption that goes along with it. It was one of their firsts together and he knew the caption was from one of those mundane novels he adores. (Though he obviously revised it to suit their relationship.) But now, it just made the warlock's heart ache.

 Even though that was the case, Magnus still continued flipping through the pages of the album. He then stumbled across a picture of them in Central Park; they were sitting down on the grassy terrain of a hilltop that looked over most of the park; the sun was setting and their hands were intertwined together; both of them were just gazing at the sun set, not really looking at anything else but the beauty of the scenery in front of them. The caption now was: _"Love does not exist of gazing at each other, but looking outward in the same direction."**_ He remembered that day. It was the day when Magnus wore white skinny jeans to the park and regretted it ruefully. But the smile that Alec had that day was quite worth the waste on his wardrobe.

 At the bottom of that picture was another one that he needed to use his magic to obtain; it was the two of them cuddled together in bed in the middle of the night, well it was nearing dawn if he remembers correctly; both him and Alec couldn't sleep, so they just stayed there, listening to each others heartbeat, not ruining the perfect silence they have conjured up. Now, the caption says: _"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."***_ He adored this caption actually. It was the undeniable truth. The moments he was with Alec, it felt just like a dream and he wished to never wake up. But he eventually did. Quite painfully in his opinion.

 He turned the page and he saw a picture that was quite unfamiliar to him on when it was taken. Then a sliver of that memory flashed in his mind. That was what he remembered actually; a flash from a camera; then he remembered giggles. He knew that it was probably the days when he was hungover and didn't care about the things that's happening around him. His appearance in the photo made his theory more true; his hair was dishiveled and sticking up in a lot of places; he was drinking from a coffee cup, his face all scrunched up in pain behind it; he was shirtless, his caramel skin revealing for the camera to see; the bottom half of his body was covered by the countertop, but he thinks that he wore his navy blue pyjama pants that time. The caption this time made him want to cry moreso, both in happiness and sorrow. It said: _"He's selfish, impatient and a little insecure. He makes mistakes, he is out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle him at his worst, I'm sure that you don't deserve him at his best."****_ Magnus was certain that this was Alec's doing. He remembers that he was not the only one who had taken pictures and placed them inside the album. Of course the Shadowhunter was given consent to do so. It was quite hilarious really. An album solely about one person had another person's picture inside. But the reason Alec gave him made him agree to his wishes. _"Well, if you're adding pictures of us or even just me to that album, I can add pictures of you and us as well. For we are just one soul within two bodies. So, in that sense, you are still taking pictures of me."_

 As he moved on to the next one, he'd only realize the burning feeling of hot tears in his eyes when a drop suddenly landed on the page. The tears he willed on not to fall. They were the tears he kept on holding in for the past two years. He tried to maintain strong during those years, avoiding all contact with the Lightwoods, or any other Shadowhunter actually in fear of the hurtful memories resurfacing. He cursed himself for being so weak and vulnerable when it comes to love. But that was love is, right? It makes you open up to another person and just be vulnerable with each other. But the moment you are vulnerable, the person you love leaves you making you even more vulnerable than you already were.

 Magnus was about to let the tears fall, release all the built up pain and grief he felt for two years. But then he felt soft hands caress his cheeks. They made him look up and his golden green eyes met with dark grey ones.

 "Tessa, dear. I had not heard your arrival." Magnus said, wiping a stray tear away.

 The male warlock tried to pull on a small smile to greet her, but he couldn't manage it for the sadness was too unbearable. Tessa looked down at her friend, noticing how crestfallen he was behind his eyes. Then she noticed the pictures on the page Magnus was on. She knelt down so they were now at the same height. Her thumb wiped at the path that his tear had made as she gave him a kiss on his forehead.

 "You called me because of him." Tessa said more than asked.

 Magnus made a sound, hoping that it was a sound of affirmation to Tessa's ears. She then patted his head, signaling that it was okay. It was okay to let it all out. He knew that she wouldn't judge because she went through this as well. So, he did what he was told. He wrapped his lean arms around her slim waist and cried. He cried so much that day. He knew that he would look like a wreck, with the rims of his eyes red and his cheeks puffy. He knew that his voice would be hoarse from all the screams of agony. He knew that this was a little embarrassing for him. But he hardly cared about those things. He was still too overwhelmed by the thought of Alec, his beloved, gone from his life forever. Tessa rocked the both of them, whispering soothing words in Magnus' head, telling him that it will be okay, even if she knew that it wouldn't be. She just needed him to calm down, and she'll do anything to do so. They were like that for whole hour, Magnus crying his whole heart out and Tessa comforting the other.

 When Magnus had finally calmed down, Tessa pulled away from him. She ran a hand through her friend's raven locks, moving it back in place. The male warlock gave her a weary smile despite himself.

 "Glad that you could make it here, Tessa."

 Tessa smiled as well, a sad one full of sympathy. "Glad to be here, Mags."

 Magnus then stood up from where he sat, sashaying towards the kitchen as if he wasn't just crying a minute ago.

 "What tea do you prefer, Jasmine or Earl Gray?"

 "Jasmine would be a nice change. I have been drinking Earl Gray all week." Tessa said as she sat down on the couch of the apartment.

 She had expected to see Magnus all beaten down and depressed because of his loss the moment she would step inside the threshold. She expected that she would be accompanying him through his heartache just like he was with her and Will. She didn't mind though. She was glad that he called her. At least Magnus had wanted someone to help him in getting through this.

 After a minute or so, Magnus came back with two cups of Jasmine tea for the both of them. He handed one to Tessa and sat beside her on the couch. They just sat there, sipping on their tea in silence. The male warlock hated it. He now detested silence ever since that fateful day. It was maddening. The silence just echoed to him how alone he was in the world. That in the end he will continue on being alone. It was the inevitable truth of being a warlock.

 "You're not alone, Magnus. I'm still here to keep you company as you go through this. You need not to worry about being by yourself." Tessa said as if she could read his mind. Well, maybe she could. Magnus is just so easy to read sometimes.

 The male warlock had taken another sip from his tea before placing it down on the coffee table. (He laughed at the thought inside his head. Placing a cup of tea on a coffee table. An irony begging to be noticed.) He then turned towards his female companion. She was looking at him, staring was more like it. But Magnus had not felt any discomfort at her analyzing grey eyes. Tessa obviously wanted for him to speak, expecting that he would let out everything. Let out what was bothering him. Let out what his heart felt. So, he decided on doing just that.

 "You know that I always compare my previous lovers to metaphors, correct?" He needed to vent out, right? So, now was the time. It was now or never.

 "Ah, yes. I do remember."

 "Well, Alec is an albatross, Tes. And I was a sailor. He made me believe that having him around with me will bring forth goodness in my travels -in my life. But as time goes by, I had late realized that what he brought forth was only sadness and despair in the end. His death haunted me every single day for the past five years. It makes me feel as if I will always be alone no matter what I do or who I love. The memory of him is my penance for being the son of a demon and loving a child of Raziel. It is my penance for having the curse of immortality."

 Tessa was speechless. She had no idea that that was what Magnus would compare Alec to. She thought that he would compare him to some sort of dream that he had to wake up from, or a rainbow that will soon after fade in time. She was about to open her mouth to comment on about the metaphor, but Magnus continued on on what he was saying. But she didn't expect the thing her friend had asked to her.

 "Tessa, should I read the letter from Alexander?"

 "What?" She asked, extremely confused right now.

 Magnus then snapped his fingers and an envelope suddenly popped out of nowhere. But Tessa wasn't surprised at the act. He handed it to his friend for her to analyze it. As she did, he explained to her of its purpose.

 "That letter was given to me by Isabelle, Alexander's younger sister. She said that I should read it the moment I have gone home after the wake. But up until now, I have not dared to read a single word that Alexander had wrote for me."

 Tessa was actually surprised that Alec had made a letter for Magnus. She knew that the boy wouldn't last long enough to be with the male warlock forever, but having a letter for him was like the Shadowhunter had expected that he would die as youn as possible. She handed it back to Magnus, already done after a minute of analyzing. The male warlock raised his brow expectantly, asking in silence on what she thinks should be his decision. The other's mind was weighing whether or not he should read it _ever_.

 After a while, Tessa went into conclusion. "You should read it. You should read it the moment I leave this apartment of yours. I want you to do it. It's for the better, Magnus. I promise you that. If it doesn't though, just call me again if you need anyone. I will always be here for you if you want me to."

 Magnus sucked in a sharp breath, nodding after though a little hesitantly. Tessa gave him a weary smile. After a few more conversations with each other, the female warlock stood up.

 "Well, I better get going. Jem is probably worrying about me."

 Magnus chuckled at the thought. "Alright. I'll call when I need you."

 "I expect you to, Mags." 

 After that, she was gone. All that's left now is the letter Izzy had given him during Alec's funeral. Should he or shouldn't he? That was the ultimate question. He first weighed the pros and cons of the situation. Pros: He will fulfill what Tessa would want him to do. He gets to find out what Alec wanted to tell him. He could possibly get peace of mind by reading it. He can finally have a different final words other than _"I'll see you when you come back."_ Cons: He can possibly turn out more broken than he was before. He might read something that would hurt him. He wouldn't have the closure he wanted. So, to summarize, he just doesn't want to get hurt in the end.

 Though the thought of him hurting much more than he wanted haunted him, he still risked his emotional instability to _possibly_ have some closure than can lead him to being slightly emotionally stable. He opened the envelope that contained Alec's words to him, took in a sharp breath and read it to himself softly.

  _Dear Magnus,_

_If you're reading this, I'm probably gone by now and Izzy or Jace have relayed this to you. I hope you're not depressed because of my passing, it will just upset me to know that you are. We both know that this is something inevitable. We know that I'm a mortal Shadowhunter who always risks his life for the sake of others. That you will still outlive me by a numerous number of centuries. So, I hope that you're not as sad as I expect you to be._

_I know that it's quite impossible for you not being sad about this, but I hope that you wouldn't be. A frown doesn't really suit you, my love. It's like with me and my graying sweater, it doesn't suit me at all. But I hope you won't be stubborn as I am when other people say that somthing doesn't suit you, yet you still want to wear it._

_Remember that I truly love you. You were my first everything, Mags; my first boyfriend; my first kiss; my first heartbreak; and my first time. Okay, that's quite weird to write in a "last letter", but I had to prove my point. So, I just want you to know how happy you made me feel during those years we've been together. You were my one true happiness and my one and only love._

_Promise me, Magnus. That one day, you would try forget your feelings for me. That you would try to move on with your, I quote, "fabulous life". It's alright if you don't. I just want you to try though. I want you to be happy even if it's with someone else. I don't mind really. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. Though that's slightly a lie. You know me, risking my happiness for other people to be happy. But if you do move on, I hope that you won't forget me. I hope that you won't forget our times together. I hope that you won't forget how I have loved you and how you love me. Because I want your next relationship to be like that. To be as beautiful as ours._

_I love you, Magnus Bane. And it was a pleasure to be one of your many relations._

_Love, Alec_

 By the time Magnus was finished reading the letter, there were tears falling down his cheeks. He thought that he used up all of them during his outburst with Tessa, but there were still more for Alec. He forced himself to not cry, remembering Alec's words in the letter. He didn't want the Shadowhunter to be upset because of him. He wanted him to smile his beautiful smile forever. Though he knew that that was impossible to happen, he still knew that he could. There were their photographs together and those were enough to slightly fill the gaping whole in his heart.

 Magnus would try to do what Alec had told him to do. He would try to forget about his feelings for the Shadowhunter. He would try to move on and find someone that could fill his life with love again. He would try to shake the weight of living off of his shoulders. But the last request was impossible to do. For there will be no relationship as beautiful as the one they had.

**Author's Note:**

> The captions in the album  
> *Nicholas Sparks, Dear John  
> **Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Airman's Odyssey  
> ***Dr. Seuss  
> ****Unknown (corrected on the 9th of March)  
> If you have enjoyed, kudos and comments are highly appreciated. If you liked my writing, request can be given. If you didn't like it, suggestions and critiques are appreciated as well


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